A Guide to Compassionate Communication in Lockdown

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We are coming to the end of the third week in isolation.

Many of us are experiencing negative thoughts, anxious feelings, high levels of stress. As we learn to accept that this new reality is here to stay for a few months, we're learning to adapt and find new ways of functioning.

The sooner we accept that the uncertainty of the situation is now a certainty (it's going to last a minimum of 3-6 months), the sooner we can focus on finding ways to adapt by making our reptilian brain feel safe in our new self-isolation environment and our socially distanced relationships.

This article looks at the difference between introverts' and extroverts' needs during isolation, and how we can take small first steps to manage our emotions and take our power back when they overwhelm us, by simply acknowledging them and sharing them out loud, rather than suppressing them.

These are challenging times for us all.

The reality is starting to sink in about what this means for us professionally and personally. This is likely having an impact on our psychological health, physical health, and financial health. You might notice this in your voice, your energy, your enthusiasm, and your level of motivation. Morale is likely to be lower.

Let's give ourselves a break. We're doing the best we can with the resources we have right now. So wherever you are in your journey to adjusting, give yourself a break and... breathe in... and breathe out...

"Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% is how you react to it." – Charles Swindoll

Some of us are suffering more than others.

Why is that? How we feel is 90% about how we react to a situation, and only 10% is the situation's actual impact on us. The 10% is the fact that we can't leave our house, we may have been impacted financially and professionally, and it could also be that we or someone we love has caught the coronavirus.

The 90% is what we make of it, what we say about it, what we think about it, how we feel, and the stories we're telling ourselves about it. This is the main source of anxiety.

Different Reactions - Introverts & Extroverts

If we react differently, it's because we all interpret reality through our own unique lens, which has been constructed by our upbringing and past experiences. We all have our own biased way of looking at situations.

Carl Jung's research studied the commonalities between humans' different perceptual filters and regrouped them into personality traits. The main ones being:

Introverts - Those who receive stimulation from within Extroverts - Those who receive their stimulation from the environment Ambiverts - People who have equal access to both traits

Jung also went on to define other dimensions, which are more familiar to us as the personality types you've become familiar with through psychometric tests. In Sales, the DISC model tends to be used quite a lot. Different personality types will tend to respond in similar ways to stress and motivation.

What we can learn from introverts right now

I spoke to a couple of people who were delighted to be isolated, not having to travel, not having to socialise unnecessarily, and keen to make the most of this quiet time. I would imagine these people are leaning more towards being introverts.

While I'm not a fan of generalisations, introverts are said to be more connected to themselves. They're more comfortable with reflecting, happy with their own company, and better at identifying and fulfilling their own needs. They could be more comfortable in defining how they feel and taking actions to respond to them.

One of the difficulties they have in common is getting drained energetically by socialising and having a need to recharge by being alone. While they may know how they feel, they may not necessarily express it out loud, which can impact relationship dynamics.

Overall, this capacity to rely on oneself to find peace and calm, access creativity and inner peace is something we could all do with right now while self-isolated.

A revelation about my own personality

I'd like to bring your attention to something: you may think you're an extrovert, but actually, if you monitor your energy levels, you could be a closet introvert without knowing it.

I was shy as a child, but not so much from my teenage years onwards. Reflecting back on my 13 years in sales, I thought I was more of an extrovert. I was comfortable presenting to large audiences and enjoyed socialising. I'd enjoy the alone time but prefer the company.

It wasn't until I was quite far into my self-development journey that I discovered I was actually more introverted. I now know that while I like socialising, it can drain my energy and I only really enjoy it when it's meaningful. There is also such a things as being and Ambivert and needing a bit of both the quiet and the noisy!

A word of caution for introverts and extroverts.

In summary: introverts find stimulation from within and can enjoy socialising, they just run out of energy faster. An extrovert can actually increase their energy from social interactions. This is why video conference facilities are going to be helpful to stay connected during this time.

A note of caution for introverts: Excessive isolation can be a sign of depression. This is hard to detect in introverts as others perceive the distancing as normal, and it can deteriorate without people noticing.

The same warning applies to extroverts: Having the need to always be around others may be a sign that one is uncomfortable being alone with themselves. There could be many reasons for this, but one could be that they're avoiding their own feelings and thoughts. Avoiding self-reflection isn't healthy and can hide underlying issues. Ignoring these issues can snowball and turn into mental or physical health problems. At its extreme, seeking constant attention may be a sign of a personality disorder such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

When introverts and extroverts live together in lockdown

Recognising and acknowledging different personality types in a self-isolated household is important to identify and adapt to everyone's needs. New rules probably need to be defined to set healthy boundaries for everyone to have their needs met and feel safe in their confined environment.

For example: an introvert could crave peace, quiet, and alone time, while an extrovert will want distractions—may have music on or the TV in the background all the time. Not finding a compromise will result in stress and potentially unhelpful behaviour and tension.

If you have a family or are in a relationship, have you had that conversation? Have you redefined the rules in your household for everyone to find what they need to keep balanced?

A communication tool to facilitate difficult conversations

To help you with this reframing conversation, here's a simple communication structure to express feelings in a neutral way. It's also referred to as compassionate communication. It was created by Dr Rosenberg to help mediate and resolve conflicts.

Explanation taken from www.nonviolentcommunication.com, and I've added basic examples.

The four components of the Nonviolent Communication process are:

1. Observations How your perceptual observations and the observations of others—the neutral facts—provide a foundation to know what we're talking about and eliminate confusion about the particular stimulus in any given situation or interaction.

Example: "I've noticed that you have the TV on in the lounge all day while you're working."

2. Feelings The information our body and mind give us regarding whether our values and needs are fulfilled in a given interaction. They provide a powerful point of connection to help us understand another's experience or communicate our own.

Example: "I feel frustrated because I find it very loud."

3. Needs Universal Human Needs, also known as core human motivators. When you distil any conflict to the level of Universal Human Needs, people can see each other's humanity, which begins the healing and reconciliation process and provides a solid foundation for win-win solutions.

Example: "I need to work from the lounge in the afternoon to change my environment and move around because there isn't enough daylight in the kitchen."

4. Requests Taking responsibility for what we actually want by expressing a request rather than a demand. Hearing another's request as such, and knowing that we still have choice.

Example: "When I come in the afternoon, can we turn the TV off while I work from there too, please?"

Practice makes progress

I recommend practising this during calm conversations which aren't conflictual. It takes time for this to become a habit.

Unfortunately, when our emotional brain kicks in, we forget this structure, and it takes self-awareness to slow down our responses and think about how to express ourselves in a way that avoids reacting in an unhelpful way which could provoke conflict.

In Summary

There's a lot to take in here, but hopefully it helps you understand why managing our emotions isn't straightforward and is part of an internal journey of self-discovery.

There are plenty of ways to learn this, which I can cover in other articles, but hopefully this gives you a useful introduction. The main key here is elevating your own self-awareness.

This is what I work on with my clients, because it's that self-awareness which can help us create distance between us and our emotions—which creates space to think and prepare a helpful response rather than reacting without thinking.

Your Self-Reflection

• What resonated with you in this article?

• Are you dealing with these dynamics in your household during lockdown?

• Have you had the conversation about different needs with the people you're isolating with?

Stay safe, stay kind to yourself and others.

Follow me on LinkedIn, and visit The Self-Science Lab for more info. 

Written by: Lauren Cartigny, Leadership Trainer, Executive Coach and Mindfulness Practitioner

Following a successful international corporate career in Sales for leading Tech firms, Lauren faced an unexpected burnout, life and health crisis. After re-building her life, transforming her career, and healing her body, heart and mind, Lauren has created transformative coaching and training programs to teach High-Performance from a place of Well-Being to prevent burnout, and employee churn in organisations.